I am third of my name, although just second in a row. My biological father insisted upon it, and my mother acquiesced, thankfully rescuing me from having a name like Frank or David.

My name has been mispronounced repeatedly, and in an effort to make it easier and not have people butcher my name, I shortened it when I got to college. There is a line of demarcation amongst my friends, and you can tell when they met me by what they call me. My family calls me something completely different.

Anyway, this situation popped up at my place of employment which both got me thinking about my name and how protective I am of it.

Our email system works on the firstname.lastname system, so if you are Bob Smith, your email address would be bob.smith@whereiwork.com. Simple, right? But our directory system works off last names, so when you get an email from Bob Smith, the email header says

“Smith, Bob <bob.smith@whereiwork.com>”

I explain all this to get to the point that people keep calling me by my last name, even though it seems apparent to me that’s not correct. My email signature gives my full name, as well as my shortened one, so there should be no issue. 

But, at least once every couple of weeks, someone calls me by my surname like it’s my first name. Usually I joke about it after they realize their mistake – “Oh, I’ll let him know that you’re looking for him” – but other times, I have to start taking things personally.

One of my colleagues got so incensed at people getting his name wrong, he asked that people call him Mr <last name>. I respected that, and in this industry, a definite act of defiance, especially since many people, hip to the power dynamic at play, won’t call anyone they deem “below them” with any respect whatsoever.

But this all got me thinking about what my name means to me, and how I feel about people butchering it. My government name has been mispronounced for 40+ years, and it still rankles me to hear more syllables and consonants than are actually in my name to start with. 

And “it’s just a name” – I count more than a few people in my life who have changed their names to go along with realized identities, and their new names mean a lot to them. What kind of asshole do you have to be to deny calling someone by the name they want to be called, whether that name is from birth or made legal just minutes ago? We assume married women take their husbands’ surnames, and when they don’t, the tides have turned as to how “scandalous” that was, but why the hesitation to extend that to first names?